The characters that deserve

The non-existent deserves all that you can be,
The present deserves all that you are,
You deserve all that you've created.

A toothless laugh

Have you ever came across one before?

It was like an ancient magic,
Silent,
Muted by age,
Triggered by a familiar joke from a familiar banter,
Where there was once fangs is now hollow,
Taken by the ferocity of gritted teeth,
The host was a body in a wheelchair,
With shuffling legs that cant stand too long or sit too long,
Eyes lost, untranslateable in a chorus of movement,
I've always wondered what they think of,
Are they alone in the crowd too?
Or is the crowd too familiar to be alone in?
I guess I'm too young to tell,
All I know is that day, I struggled to find life in all that heat and chaos,
When I came across it for the first time,
Beneath a sickly old woman without voice, teeth and strength,
Was a strange laugh that can be seen but not heard,
That was when I learnt that laughters are more for the eyes than the ears,
Because for that brief moment,
With a muted laughter,
She was the liveliest in the noisy crowd,
And the liveliest on that noisy day.

Tiang

Kami asalnya dari angan-angan harapan,
Datang dari jauh,
Bertapak di sini menyemai bumi,

Asal kami dari rumah-rumah kecil bertiang seribu,
Pada tiang-tiang itu tersirat sekelumit senyuman tua,
Pesan senyuman itu,
"Tiang-tiang kami akan roboh"
"Rumah ini akan hilang erti"
"Kamu harus pergi"
"Pergilah"
"Pergi dan bina sebuah rumah baru"
"Rumah ini akan hilang hangatnya"
"Akan hilang warnanya"
"Kelak cuma akan tinggal batu-batu pudar yang sejuk"
"Dan kamu akan perlukan rumah yang baru"
"Ambillah tiang ini"
"Yang terkuat antara seribu tiang"
"Inilah yang terbaik dari kami"
"Pergilah"
"Pergi dan bina sebuah rumah baru"

Maka pergilah kami,
Pembina-pembina yang bertongkat pada amanah rumah lama,
Berbekalkan sebatang tiang,
Cuma satu pertanyaan kami ayah, ibu,
Tidak akan robohkah sebuah rumah bertiang satu?
...tiada jawapan,
hanya senyuman pada tiang itu yang masih tinggal.

Love

Love is the colour you see in black and white,

The stench you remember from a long forgotten photograph,

The cheeky notes in a song you used to listen through the broken cassette player,

and as you forget everything from that moment,

You felt the tenderness of the sun,
Striking on the skin you've forgotten you had.

Love is an angry protection,

The bitter aftertaste from doing what you should instead of what you want.

It is the honest look from that child with the little voice,
 begging you to stay,

with his little hug wrapping around your thigh,

telling you they'd miss you without knowing to speak,
without knowing what it means to miss.

Love is the bread on the table,

The grapes in the fridge,
The singer in the shower,
The smell of fresh laundry,
And the comfort that came unrequested,
Unexpected,

It is the taste beyond words,

Permanent for 12 years,

And goes when they leave.

Love is what you build without purpose,

It is not without fire,

Scarring you where you cant see,

Tingles and burns in quiet nights,

And sleeping well in hustling days,

It exists in ways you wish will never end.

The creases grew longer

You've taught me to look at the world with solemn eyes,
To look for things hidden behind cheerful facade,
That vibrant and dreary can be the same thing.

You've told me all that,
and repeat that they're all you have,
and say that you can give me nothing more,
and nothing less.

So I nodded,
then I twist and turn in refusal,
and regret and learn after,
and understood how to be forgiving,
by learning how much you have forgiven me.

And now I'm grown,
I'm able to see,
The creases in the world that you showed to me patiently,
Only to notice that you have them too,
Which means that there will be time,

When I can no longer have you.

What if?

All that education does, is simply teaching us how to specifically communicate.

Like if you learn finance, you can talk finance. And if you learn geology, you can talk geology.

My earlier posts was when I was sixteen and they are all in the drafts now.

 I've realized that I was sixteen when I started writing here. I know that I shouldn't be embarrassed of who I was, particularly of how I wrote. But I am.

But thinking about it, why shouldn't I be embarrassed? The concept is there so people wouldn't do things they'd regret.

I don't think I regret being sixteen and not knowing what will I grow up into. Admittedly sometimes I wished Ive made different choices and maybe be more firm in some of the choices I made. But everything I've done and the paths I've chosen really weren't bad at all. So I think I should be reminded of who I was, and thats why I'm not gonna delete those posts, I'm just gonna keep them to myself.

Enough being defensive, lets see if I can describe to myself of what I am now.

First off, I'm currently 24. 7 months ago I've started a career in one of the companies I admire the most, even before I know what it means to admire things and to be admired in return. So I'd say my life is pretty good right now, I'm making good money, enough to fool around a few times a month and still have some money left to save before my next salary.

I've enjoyed the benefit of education. The benefit of good parents, good family and an overall good life. Though the latter is a bit early to tell. With that in mind, one problem that I'm facing right now is adjustment to adulthood. I came from a modest house/home in Ipoh to one of the most boring places I know of. Truthfully, I dont blame the place at all. I mean, yeah, theres really nothing to do here, the place isnt as vibrant as other places and everything here is a routine. But then thats the thing with everything right? Places, people and everything else in general, sometimes they're like this and sometimes they're like that. Different people get shoved to different places as they live and they will have to adapt to it. And right now I am adapting.

One of the things I've realized is how Ipoh is no longer my home. I mean, some part of it still is, but its no longer somewhere i return to after a long day. And I guess I should start realizing that this time, the place that I get back to everyday after 5 is my home now. And that Ipoh, the place that I get back to every 2 months is still a home to me, but it will never be what it used to be ever again.